depression – I AM THE LILY

You can’t always control the thoughts that come through your head, and I used to think that many of the thoughts that came through my head meant that I was defined by them; however, what I have come to realize is that it isn’t true. Yesterday, was a day of putting back together puzzle pieces that I had knocked to the floor two days ago. However, yesterday as I was putting back the pieces, I managed to grab a few pieces that looked like they fit, but in reality didn’t fit at all…

Even though I made a conscious choice yesterday to choose to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, fear still tried to slip in and get me off track. Even this morning, it reared its ugly head attempting to get me to hold onto offenses in order to self-protect, to swallow the poison it wanted to attach to genuine acts of love from those I love, and to get lost in its destructive nature. It almost felt like fear was sitting right next to me handing me puzzle pieces that looked exactly like the real ones, but when I tried to make them fit it didn’t work. Not to mention, when I stepped back from the puzzle, they looked counterfeit.

The good news is that fear did not win. And just because I had those involuntary thoughts (that had I chosen to believe them would have not only negatively impacted me but also those I love), doesn’t mean that I am still a slave to fear! It’s just not who I am. I am someone who believes the best in all circumstances, even when it’s hard.

This morning when I woke up and fear started attempting to get me to align with its lies, I went into our room and shared my thoughts with my husband. And, I was blown away by the grace he gave me as I voiced some of the lies that were trying to creep into my brain. One of fear’s goals is to not only rob you of everything you are and the relationships you have, but it also wants to ISOLATE you to where you feel completely alone and like you can trust no one. It puts you in a place where you begin to question the motives of everyone you meet because it tells you that in order to be safe, you have to protect yourself. And, that is just not true.

As soon as I had voiced the fears that were trying to influence me, instead of being offended or trying to self-protect like most of us tend to do (especially with the ones closest to us), my husband laid down his opportunity to pick up offense and cared with and for me. He spoke truth and peace over me, and as he prayed for me all of those fears vanished. It was like a heavy fog of confusion lifted, and I could see clearly again. My husband’s love for me is the most beautiful gift I have ever received. He has taught me what it looks like to be loved unconditionally. He has shown me what it means to truly love and fight for the ones you love. He never gives up even when it is hard. He has given me grace over and over again. He doesn’t hold things against me or shut me out because he walks in the confidence of who he was created to be. He willing lays down his own shields of self-protection and instead takes up his shield of faith because he knows Truth intimately, and he is not afraid. He is teaching me how to love and give grace abundantly, and it is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

Today, as I finish out my day I have hope because the involuntary thoughts that come to me are seeds waiting to be planted. They are not part of who I am, but I get to choose what I am going to do with them. I have the power to plant and water them or to reject them, but regardless they do not define who I am. And should fear attempt to knock on my door again today, I will thank God for what He has saved me from, and I will plant a seed of faith in its place because I am becoming the woman I was made to be. And, I will not stop on this journey. I will not give up because if I don’t quit…I win.

Planting Seeds and Making Things Right,

– The Lily

Romans 12:2

“And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].”

I’ve lived most of my life subconsciously thinking that the greatest act of glory I could bring myself was by proudly adorning my head with a crown of pity bejeweled with stones of false humility. I walked around with my face downcast displaying the hardships of my life in a way that would hopefully cause others to notice the strength of my identity as I had faced more trials and pain than many would in a lifetime. My tears and downtrodden countenance were a permanent tattoo for the world to see that my life had been marked in pain, and yet I was strong. I believed there was a depth to me that was unparalleled because of the internal pain I suffered. And the more pain I felt, the bigger my crown became and the larger my jewels. I would never shout from a megaphone that I wanted the sympathy and empathy of others, but that is how I lived my life without saying a word. And, what did I realize?

It is 100% a load of crap. WHAT?!?!?!

Yes, it’s true. The best way I can describe it is that I was living in a pile of dung thinking I was at a day spa. I would rub the feces all over myself imagining that the warmth was comforting. The wind would blow causing the stench to be drowned out by the smell of flowers down the field, and I would get lost in my pile of dung. Those scents of floral ecstasy were the feelings of sentiment expressed by the ones I loved who would reach down grab a handful of dung and rub my back with it. And, then there were the times where the wind would stop, and I would get a glimpse of reality. Those were the times when the pain would become overwhelming and try to swallow me whole. The highs and lows of my emotions were extreme, and they were controlling my life until recently.

I don’t have a magic formula for how to get out of a dung spa. And, I wasn’t the one who got myself out of it. There was a moment recently where while I was sitting in my pile of dung, I could see there were at least 5 more truck loads of feces backing up to add to my pile. And, there was also a crown of pity at least 100x larger than the one I was wearing that was waiting for me if I chose to take it. But for the first time in my life I had a moment of divine clarity in which I could see my mess for what it was, and I looked up and I saw the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. I saw the Eyes of Love, and as I got lost in His eyes, His hand reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of my mess.

When I stood before Him, the stench of my self-pity vanished. He took my crown and tossed it to the side. It had lost all of its previous glory and beauty. In His presence, it looked dingy, tarnished, and cheap. And, then I watched as He pulled from behind His back the most beautiful and simple crown I have ever seen. It was the most delicate floral masterpiece covered in diamonds and reflecting the light of His eyes in a thousand directions. He placed it on my head, and I began to spin. As I twirled, I watched the light catch and send dancing sparkles in a thousand directions. He put a smile on my face and love in my eyes where there had been pain and disappointment. He gave me true beauty, and I will never be the same.

You won’t find me back in my old favorite spots because I’ve seen the truth. You will never see me searching for that old crown because my life is now radiant, and I wear a crown of joy. It’s not bejeweled with false humility but with hope. And, I’ll keep spinning for as long as it takes for the world to catch the sparkles and trade their crowns for truth. It’s only the beginning.

– The Lily

John 10:10

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”

Tag: depression

Finding the Right Pieces

Trading My Crown of Pity

Archive