Tag: disappointment

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Trading My Crown of Pity

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Trading My Crown of Pity

I’ve lived most of my life subconsciously thinking that the greatest act of glory I could bring myself was by proudly adorning my head with a crown of pity bejeweled with stones of false humility.  I walked around with my face downcast displaying the hardships of my life in a way that would hopefully cause others to notice the strength of my identity as I had faced more trials and pain than many would in a lifetime.  My tears and downtrodden countenance were a permanent tattoo for the world to see that my life had been marked in pain, and yet I was strong.  I believed there was a depth to me that was unparalleled because of the internal pain I suffered.  And the more pain I felt, the bigger my crown became and the larger my jewels.  I would never shout from a megaphone that I wanted the sympathy and empathy of others, but that is how I lived my life without saying a word.  And, what did I realize?

It is 100% a load of crap.  WHAT?!?!?!

Yes, it’s true.  The best way I can describe it is that I was living in a pile of dung thinking I was at a day spa.  I would rub the feces all over myself imagining that the warmth was comforting.  The wind would blow causing the stench to be drowned out by the smell of flowers down the field, and I would get lost in my pile of dung.  Those scents of floral ecstasy were the feelings of sentiment expressed by the ones I loved who would reach down grab a handful of dung and rub my back with it.  And, then there were the times where the wind would stop, and I would get a glimpse of reality.  Those were the times when the pain would become overwhelming and try to swallow me whole.  The highs and lows of my emotions were extreme, and they were controlling my life until recently.

I don’t have a magic formula for how to get out of a dung spa.  And, I wasn’t the one who got myself out of it.  There was a moment recently where while I was sitting in my pile of dung, I could see there were at least 5 more truck loads of feces backing up to add to my pile.  And, there was also a crown of pity at least 100x larger than the one I was wearing that was waiting for me if I chose to take it.  But for the first time in my life I had a moment of divine clarity in which I could see my mess for what it was, and I looked up and I saw the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.  I saw the Eyes of Love, and as I got lost in His eyes, His hand reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of my mess.

When I stood before Him, the stench of my self-pity vanished.  He took my crown and tossed it to the side.  It had lost all of its previous glory and beauty.  In His presence, it looked dingy, tarnished, and cheap.  And, then I watched as He pulled from behind His back the most beautiful and simple crown I have ever seen.  It was the most delicate floral masterpiece covered in diamonds and reflecting the light of His eyes in a thousand directions.  He placed it on my head, and I began to spin.  As I twirled, I watched the light catch and send dancing sparkles in a thousand directions.  He put a smile on my face and love in my eyes where there had been pain and disappointment.  He gave me true beauty, and I will never be the same.

You won’t find me back in my old favorite spots because I’ve seen the truth.   You will never see me searching for that old crown because my life is now radiant, and I wear a crown of joy.  It’s not bejeweled with false humility but with hope.  And, I’ll keep spinning for as long as it takes for the world to catch the sparkles and trade their crowns for truth.  It’s only the beginning.

– The Lily

John 10:10

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”

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Looking for Hope

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Looking for Hope

It’s the start of 2017, and I must say that I feel like I have entered in with a whirl of declarations, hope and purpose…only to be hit with an onslaught of negative thoughts, old and ugly memories, and a sense of purposelessness.  Why is it that so often when we are able to muster up the discipline needed to declare a new season in life, that it often feels like we lace up our shoes, put a huge smile on, spin on our heals anticipating the exhilaration of destiny only to run smack dab into a brick wall.  [Side note: This reminds me of the time when my teasing husband grabbed my arm to keep me from going to the kitchen, but instead the force of my attempted escape ended up throwing me smack dab into the hallway wall where my nose and the wall became extremely intimate a little too quickly. haha]  But, honestly that’s how life often feels like when we make decisions to change.

So, what do we do about it?  In the past, I’ve found myself give up.  I start listening to the negative thoughts and believing that they are true.  I start comparing myself to the endless perfect smiles on social media, I look at all of my friends who appear to be living the dream, and I grab my favorite snack while sitting on the couch filling my mind with useless tv shows pretending that my short little escape is actually true comfort when it is nowhere close.  And, I do this over and over again until I have thoroughly validated my pain and self-medicated with all of the things that bring me “comfort.”  And, it’s completely okay and well deserved because I of course am the “only one” who has ever been this lonely, disappointed, hurt, rejected, etc.  Unfortunately, the cycle never ends…until now.

This year is different.  I haven’t had a radical mindset shift.  My emotions and the negative/discouraging feelings have not subsided (if anything they have increased), but something has changed.  I planted a seed.  I planted a seed of truth that will grow because I will not stand in its way.  What’s this magical seed?  It’s certainly not a magical bean from Jack.  No, it’s something better than that.  It’s a seed of truth that my emotions will not dictate my life.  In fact, my emotions are subject to what I choose, and this year I’m choosing truth.  And, the truth is that I am AMAZING.  The truth is that if I could switch places with anyone on this earth (past, present or future), I wouldn’t because I would never get the opportunity to see the masterpiece that is me.  And, I want a ticket on that ride.  I want to watch my life unfold.  I want to live unselfishly and alive.  I want to love with passion and devotion.  I want to give life-giving freedom to everyone I meet, and I want to bring as many people with me as possible.

So, as you start this new year, will you join me?  Let’s take a chance on the impossible.  What if, this was a year of freedom from letting the fear of disappointment paralyze you from dreaming?  What if this was the  year you took a risk?  What if this was the year you reached your goals?  What if this was the year you could celebrate the success of others?  What if this was the year that when you looked in the mirror you smiled?  What if this was the year you looked at life with anticipation instead of expectation?

No one can force you, and I guarantee that this journey will be challenging.  But, will you take it with me?  I want to live a life that is loud and free, and I don’t want to do it alone.  I’m choosing to believe in the truth that will set me free from the control of my emotions and the negative thoughts that ensue.  It’s time to light the world on fire.  It’s time to awaken love.  And, it’s time to dream.

Let’s step into the impossible, and see it as the normal thing to do.

With Anticipation,

The Lily