Tag: friends

About Friendship

A Letter to My Friend

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on A Letter to My Friend
A Letter to My Friend

Dear Friend,

Thank you…from the bottom of my heart.  The other day we went swimming, and you started giggling because the baby boy inside of you started dancing when you walked into the pool.  I smiled because I love knowing that there is a life growing inside of you.  I smiled because I appreciate how great of a mom you will be to your baby.  And, I smiled because I can’t wait to one day feel that too.  But, then you did something I didn’t expect.  You grabbed my hand and placed it on your belly, and I got to feel your baby boy move his tiny foot or elbow.  And, I was overwhelmed.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing that with me.  The last 6.5 years of trying to conceive and losing three babies has been one of the most up and down roller coasters I have ever experienced.  There was a season of several years where I wanted to hold onto my pain and hide.  I would hide from baby showers, pregnancy announcements, new-born visits, and more.  I allowed pain to go so deep that I could barely hold it together when I was asked by friends when we were planning on trying to have children.

I used to look at babies from a distance…longing to hold them…but not wanting to appear desperate and not wanting to break down.  I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts of jealousy that plagued my heart and mind.  I didn’t know what to do with the disappointment and the fear of disappointment.  I didn’t know what to do with the void that I felt was growing deeper in my heart.  I didn’t  know how tightly I could hold onto hope or for how long.  I didn’t know what to do with the lies that plagued my brain regarding the very essence of my womanhood.  I didn’t know what to do with feeling like I was the most unloved, forgotten, lonely, and unwanted woman on the planet.  I didn’t know how to celebrate others.  I didn’t know how to fix anything.

I remember trying to justify the entire situation by thinking that I could choose gratitude and help other women who were in the same boat.  Maybe if I was good enough, kind enough and loved well enough then just maybe I would be remembered.  Perhaps if I shared enough hope with enough people, then God would look down from Heaven, smile, and bless me with the gift of a child.  But, that’s not how it works.

Hope is not gifted or granted to those who perform well.  Hope is not bestowed upon those who gravel and destroy their value by trying to get everything perfect.  Hope is not a prize to be won.  Hope is not earned or deserved.  Hope is not given to people who only have “the right hearts” or the sincerest of motives.  Hope just comes when it’s time.  It is always waiting nearby.  It stands on the edge waiting to see if you will notice it.  While you are spending your time bathing in the filth of self-pity, anger, and bitterness…hope is ready and waiting to clean you off and clothe you in beauty.  Hope is waiting to grace your lips with a smile, to fill your eyes with light, and to overwhelm your very spirit with joy.  It is waiting to celebrate YOU.

How do you walk in this hope?  You let it take you by surprise.  You can’t plan it.  There is no formula.  You might catch the wave and fall off again, but that’s okay.  It’s not going to leave you.  There will always be a spot for you inside of Hope.  There is a party hat with your name on it, a thousand candles for your dreams to ride upon, and a never-ending celebration waiting for you.  And, the best part of all is that Hope is contagious.  It’s even more infectious than a yawn.  It will spread like wildfire, and you will be released to celebrate with all of the others who choose to receive it.

So, thank you my beautiful friend for surprising me once again with Hope and for allowing me to dream again.  And, thank you sweet baby boy growing inside of my beautiful friend.  You are a carrier of the power of Hope.  I can’t wait to watch you grow into a man of greatness who will set people free and restore in them the audacity to hope and the freedom to dream again because the truth is that you’ve inspired me to sing again.  And one day soon, I’ll kiss those dreams I’ve dreamed, I’ll cradle Hope in my arms, and this part of my song will be complete.

Receiving Gifts I Haven’t Earned,

The Lily

About Life

The Friend I Never Knew

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on The Friend I Never Knew

It’s me.  What?  Yeah, it’s true.  After 31 years, I am beginning a new friendship, and it’s with myself.  I know that it may sound weird or crazy, but I just realized that for the majority of my life I have been my own “mean girl.”  Obviously, I didn’t do this intentionally.  I don’t think anyone in their right mind would become their own worst enemy, but somehow that is exactly what I did.

Everyone speaks to themselves whether it is out loud or in their heads.  We all do it.  We are quick to share our opinions, judgments, and offenses.  As soon as we screw up a project at work, we listen to the first thoughts in our head that tell us we are a failure, and then we beat ourselves up over and over again.  And, we don’t stop there.  We continue to listen to the lies, and we remind ourselves about all of the other situations in our lives where we have been in a similar circumstance and have made the same mistakes.  We call ourselves stupid and condemn our potential.  We align with the first accusatory notions that creep into the back of our brains.  We stand in front of the mirror, and we pinpoint every single potential flaw, fixate on it, and project ugliness over our entire body.  We refuse to let ourselves receive a compliment.  We choose to believe that compliments and kind words are actually being laced in sarcasm.  Or, we negate the kindness/compliment because if he/she knew who we really were then he/she would NEVER in a million years dream of showing that same kindness.  We choose to listen to fear, and align ourselves with the lies that we will never be good enough.  We stay in a place of judgement against ourselves as we compare ourselves to both the people we deem better than ourselves and less than.  Our worth comes through our own perverted judgments, and it has FINALLY started to make me sick.

I don’t get it.  We have been so conditioned by society, our environment, and our own personal experiences that we have bought into the lie that we have to be our own worst enemy.  We believe that we will ALWAYS disappoint ourselves.  We will ALWAYS be watched by others because if we are watching ourselves this intently…then EVERYONE must be watching us with the same (if not more) intensity.  We HAVE to be on trial every minute of the day.  Otherwise, we will be deemed a permanent ugly, miserable, outcast who doesn’t know how to dress, has no personality, will never amount to anything, is a terrible example of a human being, and is basically a disgrace to all mankind.  We are not worthy of friends, love, children, family, spouses, or any other significant relationship.  Nor, will we ever be able to have any sort of future.  Dreams are for the birds.  We go home at night, sit in front of the tv for hours, and let the doctrines of others filtrate our minds filling us with even more ammo for tomorrow because there are certain to be a thousand more times the next day in which to view ourselves unfit and unworthy to be loved.

This way of living is DISGUSTING and PERVERSE!  It is THE MOST TWISTED perception that we could ever choose to adopt.  IT MUST STOP!

Over the past few years, I have slowly began shifting my previous paradigm.  Don’t get me wrong, it has taken some time and effort, but it’s shifting.  I’ve had to let go of my control, and I’ve had to allow TRUTH to teach me who I really am.  And, as I’ve started to catch glimpses of my incredible and stunning beauty, I’ve started to become my own friend.  Where I used to adopt and align with the first lies that would pop in my head about myself, I now find myself looking to TRUTH and choosing what He says about me.  I’ve started to encourage myself to pursue my dreams and fight for the things I love.  My heart has begun to heal from the many daggers I’ve thrust into its core.  I look in the mirror, and my mind is flooded with praise and warm accolades of my body.  My eyes have started to sparkle, and my smile doesn’t fade quite as much as it used to.  Through TRUTH, I have unlocked my creativity in ways I never thought were possible.  I pick myself up when I fail, and I remind myself how smart and intelligent I am.  I encourage my spirit to fall deeper in love with TRUTH.  I am becoming quick to forgive myself and to allow grace to flood my heart and mind.  I catch glimpses of the greatness of me, and it causes my face to glow.  I’m not afraid to cast the reflection of TRUTH in a thousand directions because I know that I am the most beautiful carrier of Him that I could ever hope to be.  I’m beginning to look like Him, and as a result…I’ve gained a new friend.

Shifting Paradigms,

– The Lily

Proverbs 17:17a

“A friend loves at all times.”

 

About Marriage

Putting the Puzzle Together Again

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Putting the Puzzle Together Again
Putting the Puzzle Together Again

Every Christmas my husband and I buy a puzzle to put together.  This tradition has allowed us to unintentionally slow down while affording us the opportunity to connect.  I normally put the puzzle out at the beginning of December, and it takes a few weeks for us to put it together.  We spend the time finding the right pieces while talking about our dreams, reflecting on the past, and enjoying the present.  As we connect, we continually find ourselves looking back at the picture on the box to make sure that we are on the right track.  These are some of my all-time favorite moments because for a few hours each day it feels as if I’m transported into a simpler time where dreams are made while neighbors are caroling and hearts are intertwined over steamy mugs of cocoa.  It’s funny because these are some of the moments I cherish the most because of how closely connected I feel to my husband during those hours.

Once our puzzle is finished, we will leave it on display for a week or so, but then comes the day when we take it down.  The funny thing is that we both put so much work into it, but normally it is only one of us who puts it away.  Instead of hours it took to build, it only takes about 30 seconds to break it apart and put it back in the box.  And, unfortunately sometimes the puzzle box tips over and a piece or two gets lost into the abyss never to be found again.

Yesterday, felt like one of those puzzle demolition days.  As I was reflecting today on all that occurred yesterday, I realized how easy it is to destroy beautiful things, and at the same time how much time, energy, and commitment it takes to build something beautiful.  This is especially true with the relationships in our lives.  It’s true that we either operate out of fear or love – that’s it.  Every thought that enters our brains, every word we say, every action we take, they are all motivated out of one or the other.  And, both take time to cultivate and mature; however, I believe that it is easier to choose fear more consistently.  The harder choice for me tends to be love, especially in the relationships I have with the people I care about the most.  You see, the truth is that I don’t want to get hurt, and therefore…I attempt to pick back up those old dingy worthless shields I’ve made for myself.  You know, the ones that don’t work and actually make things worse?  Yeah, for some reason my brain sometimes gets tricked into not completely separating myself from them.

Yesterday, I chose to see the world through fear in an attempt to protect myself, and as a result I hurt not only myself, but also people that I love.  The worse part about it is that NOTHING about fear is LOGICAL.  It operates out of lies and influences our imaginations to think of the MOST ABSURD things.  And, if we allow it to creep in or give it a voice, it does much more than simply change our lens of perception.  Additionally, fear hurls situations, memories, conspiracies, and more lies at us because it knows that we are no longer looking through the lens of love and truth.  And, that’s where it begins destroying not only us but also the people we love and trust.  It’s like a tornado – it is always changing course and we never know quite how destructive it will be, but what I can tell you is that it will ALWAYS bring pain.

Fear will take years of positive and intimate relationships with family and friends and attempt to destroy them all within a month or two.  And, then as you begin to rebuild those relationships, it will lace kind words and true love with poison to where every time you go to receive love it is twisted and ends up wreaking of death and ill will.  It will attempt to steal any type of trust you have ever had.  And, it is on a warpath to rip your identity out from under you to where you can never actually believe that you are valuable, lovable, protected, or wanted.  It is sheer evil, and it needs to be stopped.

You see, we were never meant to live in fear.  We were made to come alive and to live and operate out of love.  And, there is ALWAYS HOPE in love.  Yesterday, doesn’t define me.  Even though I gave into fear yesterday, I WILL NOT give into fear today.  I’ve lived too many years under the slavery of fear, and its desire is to control me again.  But, it will not have that satisfaction.  Fear no longer has power in my life.  It doesn’t get to decide if it will rule my heart and mind.  It doesn’t get to determine how I interact with the ones I love.  It doesn’t get to speak lies that sound like truth to get me to believe them.  And, while I may have knocked a few pieces of the beautiful picture I was creating to the ground yesterday, I found them today, and I’m putting them back together.  The best part about knocking down the puzzle is that you see where you scattered the pieces, and you can remember what it is supposed to look like and how to get the pieces to fit back into the puzzle again.

It’s about direction not perfection.  And, my choice is to continue to live and grow in love and to bring that into the relationships around me.  I will live a full life filled to the brim with hope and joy because that is what I was created to do.  The people I love in my life will know beyond a shadow of a doubt how greatly and deeply they are loved, wanted, valued, cherished, appreciated, and respected because when they look in my eyes, they will see their true identity.  My choices will bring freedom and hope to people.  I am not, nor will I ever be again, a woman of destruction who operates out of fear.  From today forward, I will only build.  And the pieces that I have scattered, I will put back together today, and I will continue to make a life that reflects the beauty of Love no matter how easy or difficult it may be.

Putting the Pieces Together Again,

– The Lily

2 Corinthians 5:17 

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].”