It’s me. What? Yeah, it’s true. After 31 years, I am beginning a new friendship, and it’s with myself. I know that it may sound weird or crazy, but I just realized that for the majority of my life I have been my own “mean girl.” Obviously, I didn’t do this intentionally. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would become their own worst enemy, but somehow that is exactly what I did.
Everyone speaks to themselves whether it is out loud or in their heads. We all do it. We are quick to share our opinions, judgments, and offenses. As soon as we screw up a project at work, we listen to the first thoughts in our head that tell us we are a failure, and then we beat ourselves up over and over again. And, we don’t stop there. We continue to listen to the lies, and we remind ourselves about all of the other situations in our lives where we have been in a similar circumstance and have made the same mistakes. We call ourselves stupid and condemn our potential. We align with the first accusatory notions that creep into the back of our brains. We stand in front of the mirror, and we pinpoint every single potential flaw, fixate on it, and project ugliness over our entire body. We refuse to let ourselves receive a compliment. We choose to believe that compliments and kind words are actually being laced in sarcasm. Or, we negate the kindness/compliment because if he/she knew who we really were then he/she would NEVER in a million years dream of showing that same kindness. We choose to listen to fear, and align ourselves with the lies that we will never be good enough. We stay in a place of judgement against ourselves as we compare ourselves to both the people we deem better than ourselves and less than. Our worth comes through our own perverted judgments, and it has FINALLY started to make me sick.
I don’t get it. We have been so conditioned by society, our environment, and our own personal experiences that we have bought into the lie that we have to be our own worst enemy. We believe that we will ALWAYS disappoint ourselves. We will ALWAYS be watched by others because if we are watching ourselves this intently…then EVERYONE must be watching us with the same (if not more) intensity. We HAVE to be on trial every minute of the day. Otherwise, we will be deemed a permanent ugly, miserable, outcast who doesn’t know how to dress, has no personality, will never amount to anything, is a terrible example of a human being, and is basically a disgrace to all mankind. We are not worthy of friends, love, children, family, spouses, or any other significant relationship. Nor, will we ever be able to have any sort of future. Dreams are for the birds. We go home at night, sit in front of the tv for hours, and let the doctrines of others filtrate our minds filling us with even more ammo for tomorrow because there are certain to be a thousand more times the next day in which to view ourselves unfit and unworthy to be loved.
This way of living is DISGUSTING and PERVERSE! It is THE MOST TWISTED perception that we could ever choose to adopt. IT MUST STOP!
Over the past few years, I have slowly began shifting my previous paradigm. Don’t get me wrong, it has taken some time and effort, but it’s shifting. I’ve had to let go of my control, and I’ve had to allow TRUTH to teach me who I really am. And, as I’ve started to catch glimpses of my incredible and stunning beauty, I’ve started to become my own friend. Where I used to adopt and align with the first lies that would pop in my head about myself, I now find myself looking to TRUTH and choosing what He says about me. I’ve started to encourage myself to pursue my dreams and fight for the things I love. My heart has begun to heal from the many daggers I’ve thrust into its core. I look in the mirror, and my mind is flooded with praise and warm accolades of my body. My eyes have started to sparkle, and my smile doesn’t fade quite as much as it used to. Through TRUTH, I have unlocked my creativity in ways I never thought were possible. I pick myself up when I fail, and I remind myself how smart and intelligent I am. I encourage my spirit to fall deeper in love with TRUTH. I am becoming quick to forgive myself and to allow grace to flood my heart and mind. I catch glimpses of the greatness of me, and it causes my face to glow. I’m not afraid to cast the reflection of TRUTH in a thousand directions because I know that I am the most beautiful carrier of Him that I could ever hope to be. I’m beginning to look like Him, and as a result…I’ve gained a new friend.
Shifting Paradigms,
– The Lily
Proverbs 17:17a
“A friend loves at all times.”
I AM THE LILY 