Tag: joy

About Friendship

A Letter to My Friend

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on A Letter to My Friend
A Letter to My Friend

Dear Friend,

Thank you…from the bottom of my heart.  The other day we went swimming, and you started giggling because the baby boy inside of you started dancing when you walked into the pool.  I smiled because I love knowing that there is a life growing inside of you.  I smiled because I appreciate how great of a mom you will be to your baby.  And, I smiled because I can’t wait to one day feel that too.  But, then you did something I didn’t expect.  You grabbed my hand and placed it on your belly, and I got to feel your baby boy move his tiny foot or elbow.  And, I was overwhelmed.

I can’t thank you enough for sharing that with me.  The last 6.5 years of trying to conceive and losing three babies has been one of the most up and down roller coasters I have ever experienced.  There was a season of several years where I wanted to hold onto my pain and hide.  I would hide from baby showers, pregnancy announcements, new-born visits, and more.  I allowed pain to go so deep that I could barely hold it together when I was asked by friends when we were planning on trying to have children.

I used to look at babies from a distance…longing to hold them…but not wanting to appear desperate and not wanting to break down.  I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts of jealousy that plagued my heart and mind.  I didn’t know what to do with the disappointment and the fear of disappointment.  I didn’t know what to do with the void that I felt was growing deeper in my heart.  I didn’t  know how tightly I could hold onto hope or for how long.  I didn’t know what to do with the lies that plagued my brain regarding the very essence of my womanhood.  I didn’t know what to do with feeling like I was the most unloved, forgotten, lonely, and unwanted woman on the planet.  I didn’t know how to celebrate others.  I didn’t know how to fix anything.

I remember trying to justify the entire situation by thinking that I could choose gratitude and help other women who were in the same boat.  Maybe if I was good enough, kind enough and loved well enough then just maybe I would be remembered.  Perhaps if I shared enough hope with enough people, then God would look down from Heaven, smile, and bless me with the gift of a child.  But, that’s not how it works.

Hope is not gifted or granted to those who perform well.  Hope is not bestowed upon those who gravel and destroy their value by trying to get everything perfect.  Hope is not a prize to be won.  Hope is not earned or deserved.  Hope is not given to people who only have “the right hearts” or the sincerest of motives.  Hope just comes when it’s time.  It is always waiting nearby.  It stands on the edge waiting to see if you will notice it.  While you are spending your time bathing in the filth of self-pity, anger, and bitterness…hope is ready and waiting to clean you off and clothe you in beauty.  Hope is waiting to grace your lips with a smile, to fill your eyes with light, and to overwhelm your very spirit with joy.  It is waiting to celebrate YOU.

How do you walk in this hope?  You let it take you by surprise.  You can’t plan it.  There is no formula.  You might catch the wave and fall off again, but that’s okay.  It’s not going to leave you.  There will always be a spot for you inside of Hope.  There is a party hat with your name on it, a thousand candles for your dreams to ride upon, and a never-ending celebration waiting for you.  And, the best part of all is that Hope is contagious.  It’s even more infectious than a yawn.  It will spread like wildfire, and you will be released to celebrate with all of the others who choose to receive it.

So, thank you my beautiful friend for surprising me once again with Hope and for allowing me to dream again.  And, thank you sweet baby boy growing inside of my beautiful friend.  You are a carrier of the power of Hope.  I can’t wait to watch you grow into a man of greatness who will set people free and restore in them the audacity to hope and the freedom to dream again because the truth is that you’ve inspired me to sing again.  And one day soon, I’ll kiss those dreams I’ve dreamed, I’ll cradle Hope in my arms, and this part of my song will be complete.

Receiving Gifts I Haven’t Earned,

The Lily

About Life

The Gift of Pain

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on The Gift of Pain
The Gift of Pain

I never realized that with pain came a gift.  To me, it always seemed to just keep me in an utter state of misery.  It came in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but none of them had a pretty red bow on top.  I’ve seen it come wrapped as a package with the tag labeled grief, disappointment, rejection, shattered dreams, missed opportunities, depression, fear, anxiety, and more.  And, believe me those packages have never been received with welcoming arms.  Instead, they’ve produced thousands upon thousands of tears, hurt, and gut wrenching wails from places deeper inside me than I knew I had. And, then there’s the pain that is deeper than your emotions where it touches your spirit and there are no words to describe those depths.  Never once when first handed these packages did I see them as a gift until now.

My mentor has always said, “Everyone has a mess, but it is up to you whether you will allow it to lead you to misery or to your miracle story.”  And, I’ve realized that this is true.  From a place of pain we have an opportunity to either stay in our misery, or we have the opportunity for a miracle story.  Pain gives us the gift of allowing us to see who God really is, should we choose to look.  It requires a new perspective and new lenses in which we can come face to face with God, and peer into the eyes of Love.

I always knew that Jesus died for our sins, but I had no idea that He actually died for our pain as well.  He doesn’t want us to carry it.  You see, I never knew how GOOD God really is.  I didn’t understand how He could really be truly good when I’ve experience so much pain and everywhere I look, I see others in pain too.  I didn’t understand that when Jesus died it was also because He didn’t want me to have to live in my pain and misery.  He stepped in and asked to take it from me.  His love is so great that He is willing to not just take my pain but also carry it for me so that I don’t have to ever pick it up again.  He wants to protect me, and He desires to give me GOOD gifts in exchange.

And at the same time, in the midst of handing over the pain and then seeing it through His eyes, He allows me the privilege of seeing what He sees and feeling what He feels.  He allows me to feel how much He loves others because He doesn’t value one person more than the next.  He allows me the honor of feeling how His heart grieves when the people He loves reject Him.  And, it isn’t a grief that comes from disappointment spurred by rejection; it’s a grief that comes because the people He loves are choosing to not receive the BEST GIFT that has ever existed – LOVE.  He isn’t grieving out of His own personal offense when we make mistakes and bring pain into our lives.  He is grieving instead because He sees how much pain we are bringing into our lives, and He DOESN’T want us to feel that way – EVER.  It was never His intent.  But, as a result of experiencing pain, giving it to Jesus, and then seeing what He sees, I have chosen to receive this gift of love which brings healing to my spirit and has allowed me to begin to love those around me with a hint of the love that He has for them.

The most beautiful and powerful portrayal of this kind of love that I have experienced through pain is in the movie The Shack.  The only words I have to describe it is that it is the most powerful movie I have ever seen in my entire life, and it has the ability to bring healing to the very spirit of man.  It portrays Love in the truest form, and it demonstrates the gift of pain in the most beautiful way I have ever seen.  If you haven’t seen it, you should watch it.  I know it will bring restoration to the deepest parts of who you are should you choose to let it.

Opening Good Gifts,

-The Lily

John 16:33

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace. In the world you have tribulation and distress and suffering, but be courageous [be confident, be undaunted, be filled with joy]; I have overcome the world.” [My conquest is accomplished, My victory abiding.]

 

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Trading My Crown of Pity

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Trading My Crown of Pity

I’ve lived most of my life subconsciously thinking that the greatest act of glory I could bring myself was by proudly adorning my head with a crown of pity bejeweled with stones of false humility.  I walked around with my face downcast displaying the hardships of my life in a way that would hopefully cause others to notice the strength of my identity as I had faced more trials and pain than many would in a lifetime.  My tears and downtrodden countenance were a permanent tattoo for the world to see that my life had been marked in pain, and yet I was strong.  I believed there was a depth to me that was unparalleled because of the internal pain I suffered.  And the more pain I felt, the bigger my crown became and the larger my jewels.  I would never shout from a megaphone that I wanted the sympathy and empathy of others, but that is how I lived my life without saying a word.  And, what did I realize?

It is 100% a load of crap.  WHAT?!?!?!

Yes, it’s true.  The best way I can describe it is that I was living in a pile of dung thinking I was at a day spa.  I would rub the feces all over myself imagining that the warmth was comforting.  The wind would blow causing the stench to be drowned out by the smell of flowers down the field, and I would get lost in my pile of dung.  Those scents of floral ecstasy were the feelings of sentiment expressed by the ones I loved who would reach down grab a handful of dung and rub my back with it.  And, then there were the times where the wind would stop, and I would get a glimpse of reality.  Those were the times when the pain would become overwhelming and try to swallow me whole.  The highs and lows of my emotions were extreme, and they were controlling my life until recently.

I don’t have a magic formula for how to get out of a dung spa.  And, I wasn’t the one who got myself out of it.  There was a moment recently where while I was sitting in my pile of dung, I could see there were at least 5 more truck loads of feces backing up to add to my pile.  And, there was also a crown of pity at least 100x larger than the one I was wearing that was waiting for me if I chose to take it.  But for the first time in my life I had a moment of divine clarity in which I could see my mess for what it was, and I looked up and I saw the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.  I saw the Eyes of Love, and as I got lost in His eyes, His hand reached down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of my mess.

When I stood before Him, the stench of my self-pity vanished.  He took my crown and tossed it to the side.  It had lost all of its previous glory and beauty.  In His presence, it looked dingy, tarnished, and cheap.  And, then I watched as He pulled from behind His back the most beautiful and simple crown I have ever seen.  It was the most delicate floral masterpiece covered in diamonds and reflecting the light of His eyes in a thousand directions.  He placed it on my head, and I began to spin.  As I twirled, I watched the light catch and send dancing sparkles in a thousand directions.  He put a smile on my face and love in my eyes where there had been pain and disappointment.  He gave me true beauty, and I will never be the same.

You won’t find me back in my old favorite spots because I’ve seen the truth.   You will never see me searching for that old crown because my life is now radiant, and I wear a crown of joy.  It’s not bejeweled with false humility but with hope.  And, I’ll keep spinning for as long as it takes for the world to catch the sparkles and trade their crowns for truth.  It’s only the beginning.

– The Lily

John 10:10

“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”