Tag: marriage

About the Heart

My Heart Played Me…

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on My Heart Played Me…
My Heart Played Me…

One of the worst feelings in the world is betrayal.  It cuts deeper than a knife, and it strikes at the very core of who you are.  One word of betrayal can pierce your heart in ways that the imagination cannot even begin to fathom.  This knife makes deep and smooth cuts, but the end result actually leaves the heart looking more like it went through a meat grinder.  It’s unrecognizable.

I remember being in elementary school and putting together heart puzzles on Valentine’s day.  Each piece had an obvious place to fill.  Putting it back together was simple. Even when broken into pieces, the heart still held its beautiful form.  In fact once completed, the seams of the puzzle were almost invisible, and from a distance it looked as though it had never been broken before.  However, that is not the case with betrayal.  After the smooth piercing slice, you discover that your heart is no longer a heart at all.  It has morphed into a mutated bloody heap.  And the crazy part is that you can’t even remember what the original looked like.  What was it’s shape?  Did it even beat?  What was it’s rhythm?  Was it a deep beautiful shade of red?  Everything about what it used to be is wiped completely away.  All memories of the beauty of what was seem to have been ground up and tossed in the gritty mess of what used to be.

But wait…I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.  The most painful moment is not the unrecognizable mess in front of you, nor is it the distant memories of what was.  No, the most devastating part in that moment is realizing that you betrayed yourself.  You were played.

You were walking around showing off your beautiful heart…allowing others to enjoy its beauty with you.  But, the whole time there were forces unbeknownst to you at work to trick and deceive you into betraying the most beautiful gift you have…you.  And in the wake of betraying yourself, you managed to slice a few more hearts in the process.  Leaving you with a heart you can’t recognize, no trace of the beautiful memories that created your masterpiece, and hearts of the people you love bleeding along next to yours.

This happened to me.  Today, in fact.  I betrayed myself today.  And, the worst part is that the devastating betrayal went completely against my intentions.  I never intended to betray myself or anyone that I love.  I never intended to wound anyone.  And, I never intended to deceive myself.  But, I did.  Thinking I was doing the right thing, I ended up pushing someone that I deeply love away from me.   My heart betrayed me.

And while you may feel like intent matters, the truth is that it holds little weight next to the actions.  It’s easy to wish to go back in time and do everything differently, but that is not possible.  Of course, there is grace for mistakes.  But, the truth is that betrayal is painful.  It can leave you feeling hopeless.  And, it can leave you in a place of bitterness.   And, when your own heart betrays you, it can make forgiving yourself and giving yourself grace even more challenging especially when you not only hurt yourself but also those you love.  It can often feel like the end of something great, but it’s not.  It can be the beginning.

Start.  You’re now facing decision time.  The betrayal has already taken place, and now you’re at start. Just like with games, with each new level the decisions can become harder.  The only benefit is the experience/knowledge that you’ve gained from the previous levels.  So, now you decide your adventure. Many people will give up at this point. They will choose to succumb to defeat.  But, those who simply choose to play will win every time. Others will ask, “what’s the point? Why even try a new level?  It takes so much energy, and at least at this level I know I can win every time. I know all of the ins and outs. I know where I can get the hidden prizes, and I know all of the secret shortcuts.  Why keep trying? Why risk getting hurt again? And, what if I die trying?” The problem with this is that these people will never in fact win. They will never actually achieve fulfillment in life.  Their hearts will always be hit again and again in the same level with the disatisfaction of never reaching what’s just on the other side should they choose to continue to play. And, each time the bitterness will creep in a little more and the devastation will create a slightly larger hole until they’re left with a black hole.  The decision to play requires you to face more battles, but it’s one of the most fulfilling victories you will ever taste.  

So, I’ve decided to play.  I don’t know what will be at the next level.  I don’t know if I will face the same opponent just dressed up in a different costume.  I don’t know if I will know where all of the shortcuts are or where all of the extra prizes are.  I don’t know if I’ll move slowly or quickly. I don’t know if my turn will be skipped or if I will end up betraying myself again.  But, what I do know is that eventually I will win.

How can I be so confident?  It’s certainly not because I feel like I have mastered the game.  And, it’s definitely not because I know all of the weaknesses of my opponent, but what I do know is that I can no longer bet my victory on my heart.  My heart will always try to lead itself, and if I’m not careful, it will try to play me again. Instead, I need to anchor my heart on something that will keep it steady.  My heart has the power to bring life to every part of who I am, but it also has the power to hurt me. So, I’m learning. I’m learning to choose hope even when the door has been slammed in my face over and over.  My hope is no longer based on my heart. It’s based on something greater…the growing foundation of my heart…Truth. And, I’m learning to trust even when I’ve been deceived because I’m learning that my trust cannot only rely on my heart…it’s meant to lean on something stronger.  I’m learning to take risks and leap into faith even when I’ve fallen on my face a hundred times because my faith has always been meant to grow. 

One day, I’ll win. One day, I’ll be invited to the next level. One day, I’ll be at start all over again. One day, I’ll go through the same ups and downs as the level before…only with greater intensity.  But….one day, I’ll be a little stronger and a little wiser. And, one day my heart will be a little more anchored. And, one day I’ll smile a little longer. And, one day I’ll trust that the people I’ve wounded along the way will encounter Love in deeper ways than I could ever give love.  And, one day I’ll look back and see the beautiful masterpiece I’ve created. A new heart full of life and wisdom…a heart that beats a melody of love…a heart that is full of laughter…a heart that heals…a heart that brings joy…a heart that found victory…a heart that tells a story of hope.  My heart will find rest.

Jeremiah 17: 9-10;14

“‘The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.  But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human.  I get to the root of things.  I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.’ […] God, pick up the pieces.  Put me back together again. You are my praise!”

Starting,

The Lily

About Marriage

Finding the Right Pieces

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Finding the Right Pieces
Finding the Right Pieces

You can’t always control the thoughts that come through your head, and I used to think that many of the thoughts that came through my head meant that I was defined by them; however, what I have come to realize is that it isn’t true.   Yesterday, was a day of putting back together puzzle pieces that I had knocked to the floor two days ago.  However, yesterday as I was putting back the pieces, I managed to grab a few pieces that looked like they fit, but in reality didn’t fit at all…

Even though I made a conscious choice yesterday to choose to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, fear still tried to slip in and get me off track.  Even this morning, it reared its ugly head attempting to get me to hold onto offenses in order to self-protect, to swallow the poison it wanted to attach to genuine acts of love from those I love, and to get lost in its destructive nature.  It almost felt like fear was sitting right next to me handing me puzzle pieces that looked exactly like the real ones, but when I tried to make them fit it didn’t work.  Not to mention, when I stepped back from the puzzle, they looked counterfeit.

The good news is that fear did not win.  And just because I had those involuntary thoughts (that had I chosen to believe them would have not only negatively impacted me but also those I love), doesn’t mean that I am still a slave to fear!  It’s just not who I am.  I am someone who believes the best in all circumstances, even when it’s hard.

This morning when I woke up and fear started attempting to get me to align with its lies, I went into our room and shared my thoughts with my husband.  And, I was blown away by the grace he gave me as I voiced some of the lies that were trying to creep into my brain.  One of fear’s goals is to not only rob you of everything you are and the relationships you have, but it also wants to ISOLATE you to where you feel completely alone and like you can trust no one.  It puts you in a place where you begin to question the motives of everyone you meet because it tells you that in order to be safe, you have to protect yourself.  And, that is just not true.

As soon as I had voiced the fears that were trying to influence me, instead of being offended or trying to self-protect like most of us tend to do (especially with the ones closest to us), my husband laid down his opportunity to pick up offense and cared with and for me.  He spoke truth and peace over me, and as he prayed for me all of those fears vanished.  It was like a heavy fog of confusion lifted, and I could see clearly again.  My husband’s love for me is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.  He has taught me what it looks like to be loved unconditionally.  He has shown me what it means to truly love and fight for the ones you love.  He never gives up even when it is hard.  He has given me grace over and over again.  He doesn’t hold things against me or shut me out because he walks in the confidence of who he was created to be.  He willing lays down his own shields of self-protection and instead takes up his shield of faith because he knows Truth intimately, and he is not afraid.  He is teaching me how to love and give grace abundantly, and it is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

Today, as I finish out my day I have hope because the involuntary thoughts that come to me are seeds waiting to be planted.  They are not part of who I am, but I get to choose what I am going to do with them.  I have the power to plant and water them or to reject them, but regardless they do not define who I am.  And should fear attempt to knock on my door again today, I will thank God for what He has saved me from, and I will plant a seed of faith in its place because I am becoming the woman I was made to be.  And, I will not stop on this journey.  I will not give up because if I don’t quit…I win.

Planting Seeds and Making Things Right,

– The Lily

Romans 12:2

“And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].”

About Marriage

Putting the Puzzle Together Again

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Putting the Puzzle Together Again
Putting the Puzzle Together Again

Every Christmas my husband and I buy a puzzle to put together.  This tradition has allowed us to unintentionally slow down while affording us the opportunity to connect.  I normally put the puzzle out at the beginning of December, and it takes a few weeks for us to put it together.  We spend the time finding the right pieces while talking about our dreams, reflecting on the past, and enjoying the present.  As we connect, we continually find ourselves looking back at the picture on the box to make sure that we are on the right track.  These are some of my all-time favorite moments because for a few hours each day it feels as if I’m transported into a simpler time where dreams are made while neighbors are caroling and hearts are intertwined over steamy mugs of cocoa.  It’s funny because these are some of the moments I cherish the most because of how closely connected I feel to my husband during those hours.

Once our puzzle is finished, we will leave it on display for a week or so, but then comes the day when we take it down.  The funny thing is that we both put so much work into it, but normally it is only one of us who puts it away.  Instead of hours it took to build, it only takes about 30 seconds to break it apart and put it back in the box.  And, unfortunately sometimes the puzzle box tips over and a piece or two gets lost into the abyss never to be found again.

Yesterday, felt like one of those puzzle demolition days.  As I was reflecting today on all that occurred yesterday, I realized how easy it is to destroy beautiful things, and at the same time how much time, energy, and commitment it takes to build something beautiful.  This is especially true with the relationships in our lives.  It’s true that we either operate out of fear or love – that’s it.  Every thought that enters our brains, every word we say, every action we take, they are all motivated out of one or the other.  And, both take time to cultivate and mature; however, I believe that it is easier to choose fear more consistently.  The harder choice for me tends to be love, especially in the relationships I have with the people I care about the most.  You see, the truth is that I don’t want to get hurt, and therefore…I attempt to pick back up those old dingy worthless shields I’ve made for myself.  You know, the ones that don’t work and actually make things worse?  Yeah, for some reason my brain sometimes gets tricked into not completely separating myself from them.

Yesterday, I chose to see the world through fear in an attempt to protect myself, and as a result I hurt not only myself, but also people that I love.  The worse part about it is that NOTHING about fear is LOGICAL.  It operates out of lies and influences our imaginations to think of the MOST ABSURD things.  And, if we allow it to creep in or give it a voice, it does much more than simply change our lens of perception.  Additionally, fear hurls situations, memories, conspiracies, and more lies at us because it knows that we are no longer looking through the lens of love and truth.  And, that’s where it begins destroying not only us but also the people we love and trust.  It’s like a tornado – it is always changing course and we never know quite how destructive it will be, but what I can tell you is that it will ALWAYS bring pain.

Fear will take years of positive and intimate relationships with family and friends and attempt to destroy them all within a month or two.  And, then as you begin to rebuild those relationships, it will lace kind words and true love with poison to where every time you go to receive love it is twisted and ends up wreaking of death and ill will.  It will attempt to steal any type of trust you have ever had.  And, it is on a warpath to rip your identity out from under you to where you can never actually believe that you are valuable, lovable, protected, or wanted.  It is sheer evil, and it needs to be stopped.

You see, we were never meant to live in fear.  We were made to come alive and to live and operate out of love.  And, there is ALWAYS HOPE in love.  Yesterday, doesn’t define me.  Even though I gave into fear yesterday, I WILL NOT give into fear today.  I’ve lived too many years under the slavery of fear, and its desire is to control me again.  But, it will not have that satisfaction.  Fear no longer has power in my life.  It doesn’t get to decide if it will rule my heart and mind.  It doesn’t get to determine how I interact with the ones I love.  It doesn’t get to speak lies that sound like truth to get me to believe them.  And, while I may have knocked a few pieces of the beautiful picture I was creating to the ground yesterday, I found them today, and I’m putting them back together.  The best part about knocking down the puzzle is that you see where you scattered the pieces, and you can remember what it is supposed to look like and how to get the pieces to fit back into the puzzle again.

It’s about direction not perfection.  And, my choice is to continue to live and grow in love and to bring that into the relationships around me.  I will live a full life filled to the brim with hope and joy because that is what I was created to do.  The people I love in my life will know beyond a shadow of a doubt how greatly and deeply they are loved, wanted, valued, cherished, appreciated, and respected because when they look in my eyes, they will see their true identity.  My choices will bring freedom and hope to people.  I am not, nor will I ever be again, a woman of destruction who operates out of fear.  From today forward, I will only build.  And the pieces that I have scattered, I will put back together today, and I will continue to make a life that reflects the beauty of Love no matter how easy or difficult it may be.

Putting the Pieces Together Again,

– The Lily

2 Corinthians 5:17 

“Therefore if anyone is in Christ [that is, grafted in, joined to Him by faith in Him as Savior], he is a new creature [reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit]; the old things [the previous moral and spiritual condition] have passed away. Behold, new things have come [because spiritual awakening brings a new life].”

About Marriage

The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part 2

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part 2
The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part 2

The greatest treasure that I have found in my marriage is the realization that I am deeply loved and as a result, I get to love my husband.  I alone have the privilege of honoring my husband and calling out the divine destiny that is inside of him through the most intimate relationship two people can have – marriage.

I used to imagine that my greatest calling on this earth would be to influence thousands and thousands of people.  Even after I was married, I believed that my destiny was somewhere floating on the clouds of my dreams – drifting by always a little out of reach.  I thought that my future children would be my purpose in life, and I imagined spending all of my time and energy laughing and playing in the back yard.  Even still, I pictured my career taking off and me soaring into my professional destiny as fulfillment of my lifelong purpose.  But, I was wrong about all of those.

You see, I have come to the realization that inside of my marriage, I have been handpicked to love my husband and call out the greatness inside of him.  And, that is my greatest assignment.  Because here is the secret that I missed for years…love is POWERFUL.  It is teeming with life, and it brings healing to everyone it encounters.  Love awakens passions and creativity in explosive bursts of sustainable and compounding energy.  Love causes the greatness inside of a person to roar.  Perfect Love casts out all fear.  It quickens the heart of the adventurer to pursue even grander exploits.  Love forgives and keeps no record of wrongs.  Love ALWAYS hopes.  And, I GET the PRIVILEGE of loving my husband well!

All this time, I had it backwards.   It was all about me, but I never actually reached any sort of fulfillment because I was always expecting instead of anticipating.  Now, everyday is a new adventure laced with anticipation.  Everyday is full of new mercy and grace to love well.  Everyday is filled to the brim with the hope of greatness because as I align myself with Perfect Love, I get to watch my husband grow into who he was created to be.  And, it is THE BEST treasure I could have ever found.

Growing in Love,

– The Lily

Song of Solomon 8:6

“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.”

About Marriage

The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part I

by iamthelily2 Comments on The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part I
The Treasure Hunt of Marriage – Part I

I spent my childhood dreaming of the day I would fall in love and walk down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams.  The idea of being loved and wanted by someone was always on my mind.  Thoughts of being swept off my feet, being kissed in the rain, receiving spontaneous flowers and gifts, strolling along the beach hand-in-hand, being serenaded in the moonlight, dancing in the kitchen to the cascading sounds of Sinatra, and being the forever woman of someone’s dreams floated in and out of my subconscious both day and night.  I filled myself with romantic comedies and romance novels dreaming of what it would be like to have a real life romance like that every day for the rest of my life.  I would be the star of someone else’s life and vice versa, or so I thought…

You see, the problem with my thinking is that I didn’t really want someone else to be the star in my life.  In my head, I assumed that my presence would ultimately be the undoing of my spouse to where all he would ever want day/night would be to watch me star in the movie of our marriage.  I assumed that I was THE BEST GIFT that my marriage would ever receive.  Of course, in my head I had no idea that my pattern of thinking was so extremely selfish.  In my head, it all made complete sense.  My line of thinking didn’t seem quite so selfish because I also wanted to love and care for my husband.  I knew to some degree that my role as a wife would be to invest in my spouse, but at the end of the day I believed that I would still be the star.

Unfortunately, it has taken me years to come to a place where I realize that I in fact am not meant to be the one and only star in my marriage.  Not only am I not to be the one and only star, but my intimacy (in every area) with my husband is not about me either.  I wish someone would have told me this before I got married.  I don’t know that I would have listened and/or fully understood, but if I could go back in time, I would sit down with my 24 year-old-self and have a long talk.  I would look her in the eyes and tell her so many things.  I would let her know that her value goes far beyond the feelings she arouses in her husband.  I would let her know that she is loved far more than what her spouse, family, or friends could ever communicate.  I would gently remind her that her marriage has so much more purpose than what she is going to receive from it.  And, I would teach her about the greatest gifts of marriage – love.

In all of my yearnings to be wanted and loved, I had misunderstood what true love is.  True love is not selfish, but some of the roots I planted in my marriage early on were completely self-centered.  You see, I’ve learned that true love is beyond description.  And as I’ve started to glimpse the beauty of true love, I have received the gifts it offers in return, and they are far more valuable than the self-seeking gifts I had been pining for during my years of singleness and early marriage.

The beauty of true love is that as I grow in my identity/knowledge of how loved I am by Love Himself, I am able to give and receive love in abundance.  And, this love that I have found is passionate and fierce.  It cannot be tamed.  It is tenacious and wildly zealous.  It cannot be quenched.  Its gentle ferocity is a force like none have seen on this earth.  It gives without self-seeking.  It awakens the hearts of both the giver and receiver.  It has shown me that my greatest purpose on this earth is the privilege of loving my husband and calling out the greatness inside of him, and all I want is more.

[…to be continued…]

Learning to Love,

– The Lily

Song of Solomon 8:7

“Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”