Tag: mind

About the Heart

My Heart Played Me…

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on My Heart Played Me…
My Heart Played Me…

One of the worst feelings in the world is betrayal.  It cuts deeper than a knife, and it strikes at the very core of who you are.  One word of betrayal can pierce your heart in ways that the imagination cannot even begin to fathom.  This knife makes deep and smooth cuts, but the end result actually leaves the heart looking more like it went through a meat grinder.  It’s unrecognizable.

I remember being in elementary school and putting together heart puzzles on Valentine’s day.  Each piece had an obvious place to fill.  Putting it back together was simple. Even when broken into pieces, the heart still held its beautiful form.  In fact once completed, the seams of the puzzle were almost invisible, and from a distance it looked as though it had never been broken before.  However, that is not the case with betrayal.  After the smooth piercing slice, you discover that your heart is no longer a heart at all.  It has morphed into a mutated bloody heap.  And the crazy part is that you can’t even remember what the original looked like.  What was it’s shape?  Did it even beat?  What was it’s rhythm?  Was it a deep beautiful shade of red?  Everything about what it used to be is wiped completely away.  All memories of the beauty of what was seem to have been ground up and tossed in the gritty mess of what used to be.

But wait…I haven’t even gotten to the worst part.  The most painful moment is not the unrecognizable mess in front of you, nor is it the distant memories of what was.  No, the most devastating part in that moment is realizing that you betrayed yourself.  You were played.

You were walking around showing off your beautiful heart…allowing others to enjoy its beauty with you.  But, the whole time there were forces unbeknownst to you at work to trick and deceive you into betraying the most beautiful gift you have…you.  And in the wake of betraying yourself, you managed to slice a few more hearts in the process.  Leaving you with a heart you can’t recognize, no trace of the beautiful memories that created your masterpiece, and hearts of the people you love bleeding along next to yours.

This happened to me.  Today, in fact.  I betrayed myself today.  And, the worst part is that the devastating betrayal went completely against my intentions.  I never intended to betray myself or anyone that I love.  I never intended to wound anyone.  And, I never intended to deceive myself.  But, I did.  Thinking I was doing the right thing, I ended up pushing someone that I deeply love away from me.   My heart betrayed me.

And while you may feel like intent matters, the truth is that it holds little weight next to the actions.  It’s easy to wish to go back in time and do everything differently, but that is not possible.  Of course, there is grace for mistakes.  But, the truth is that betrayal is painful.  It can leave you feeling hopeless.  And, it can leave you in a place of bitterness.   And, when your own heart betrays you, it can make forgiving yourself and giving yourself grace even more challenging especially when you not only hurt yourself but also those you love.  It can often feel like the end of something great, but it’s not.  It can be the beginning.

Start.  You’re now facing decision time.  The betrayal has already taken place, and now you’re at start. Just like with games, with each new level the decisions can become harder.  The only benefit is the experience/knowledge that you’ve gained from the previous levels.  So, now you decide your adventure. Many people will give up at this point. They will choose to succumb to defeat.  But, those who simply choose to play will win every time. Others will ask, “what’s the point? Why even try a new level?  It takes so much energy, and at least at this level I know I can win every time. I know all of the ins and outs. I know where I can get the hidden prizes, and I know all of the secret shortcuts.  Why keep trying? Why risk getting hurt again? And, what if I die trying?” The problem with this is that these people will never in fact win. They will never actually achieve fulfillment in life.  Their hearts will always be hit again and again in the same level with the disatisfaction of never reaching what’s just on the other side should they choose to continue to play. And, each time the bitterness will creep in a little more and the devastation will create a slightly larger hole until they’re left with a black hole.  The decision to play requires you to face more battles, but it’s one of the most fulfilling victories you will ever taste.  

So, I’ve decided to play.  I don’t know what will be at the next level.  I don’t know if I will face the same opponent just dressed up in a different costume.  I don’t know if I will know where all of the shortcuts are or where all of the extra prizes are.  I don’t know if I’ll move slowly or quickly. I don’t know if my turn will be skipped or if I will end up betraying myself again.  But, what I do know is that eventually I will win.

How can I be so confident?  It’s certainly not because I feel like I have mastered the game.  And, it’s definitely not because I know all of the weaknesses of my opponent, but what I do know is that I can no longer bet my victory on my heart.  My heart will always try to lead itself, and if I’m not careful, it will try to play me again. Instead, I need to anchor my heart on something that will keep it steady.  My heart has the power to bring life to every part of who I am, but it also has the power to hurt me. So, I’m learning. I’m learning to choose hope even when the door has been slammed in my face over and over.  My hope is no longer based on my heart. It’s based on something greater…the growing foundation of my heart…Truth. And, I’m learning to trust even when I’ve been deceived because I’m learning that my trust cannot only rely on my heart…it’s meant to lean on something stronger.  I’m learning to take risks and leap into faith even when I’ve fallen on my face a hundred times because my faith has always been meant to grow. 

One day, I’ll win. One day, I’ll be invited to the next level. One day, I’ll be at start all over again. One day, I’ll go through the same ups and downs as the level before…only with greater intensity.  But….one day, I’ll be a little stronger and a little wiser. And, one day my heart will be a little more anchored. And, one day I’ll smile a little longer. And, one day I’ll trust that the people I’ve wounded along the way will encounter Love in deeper ways than I could ever give love.  And, one day I’ll look back and see the beautiful masterpiece I’ve created. A new heart full of life and wisdom…a heart that beats a melody of love…a heart that is full of laughter…a heart that heals…a heart that brings joy…a heart that found victory…a heart that tells a story of hope.  My heart will find rest.

Jeremiah 17: 9-10;14

“‘The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful, a puzzle that no one can figure out.  But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human.  I get to the root of things.  I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be.’ […] God, pick up the pieces.  Put me back together again. You are my praise!”

Starting,

The Lily

About Life

The Friend I Never Knew

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on The Friend I Never Knew

It’s me.  What?  Yeah, it’s true.  After 31 years, I am beginning a new friendship, and it’s with myself.  I know that it may sound weird or crazy, but I just realized that for the majority of my life I have been my own “mean girl.”  Obviously, I didn’t do this intentionally.  I don’t think anyone in their right mind would become their own worst enemy, but somehow that is exactly what I did.

Everyone speaks to themselves whether it is out loud or in their heads.  We all do it.  We are quick to share our opinions, judgments, and offenses.  As soon as we screw up a project at work, we listen to the first thoughts in our head that tell us we are a failure, and then we beat ourselves up over and over again.  And, we don’t stop there.  We continue to listen to the lies, and we remind ourselves about all of the other situations in our lives where we have been in a similar circumstance and have made the same mistakes.  We call ourselves stupid and condemn our potential.  We align with the first accusatory notions that creep into the back of our brains.  We stand in front of the mirror, and we pinpoint every single potential flaw, fixate on it, and project ugliness over our entire body.  We refuse to let ourselves receive a compliment.  We choose to believe that compliments and kind words are actually being laced in sarcasm.  Or, we negate the kindness/compliment because if he/she knew who we really were then he/she would NEVER in a million years dream of showing that same kindness.  We choose to listen to fear, and align ourselves with the lies that we will never be good enough.  We stay in a place of judgement against ourselves as we compare ourselves to both the people we deem better than ourselves and less than.  Our worth comes through our own perverted judgments, and it has FINALLY started to make me sick.

I don’t get it.  We have been so conditioned by society, our environment, and our own personal experiences that we have bought into the lie that we have to be our own worst enemy.  We believe that we will ALWAYS disappoint ourselves.  We will ALWAYS be watched by others because if we are watching ourselves this intently…then EVERYONE must be watching us with the same (if not more) intensity.  We HAVE to be on trial every minute of the day.  Otherwise, we will be deemed a permanent ugly, miserable, outcast who doesn’t know how to dress, has no personality, will never amount to anything, is a terrible example of a human being, and is basically a disgrace to all mankind.  We are not worthy of friends, love, children, family, spouses, or any other significant relationship.  Nor, will we ever be able to have any sort of future.  Dreams are for the birds.  We go home at night, sit in front of the tv for hours, and let the doctrines of others filtrate our minds filling us with even more ammo for tomorrow because there are certain to be a thousand more times the next day in which to view ourselves unfit and unworthy to be loved.

This way of living is DISGUSTING and PERVERSE!  It is THE MOST TWISTED perception that we could ever choose to adopt.  IT MUST STOP!

Over the past few years, I have slowly began shifting my previous paradigm.  Don’t get me wrong, it has taken some time and effort, but it’s shifting.  I’ve had to let go of my control, and I’ve had to allow TRUTH to teach me who I really am.  And, as I’ve started to catch glimpses of my incredible and stunning beauty, I’ve started to become my own friend.  Where I used to adopt and align with the first lies that would pop in my head about myself, I now find myself looking to TRUTH and choosing what He says about me.  I’ve started to encourage myself to pursue my dreams and fight for the things I love.  My heart has begun to heal from the many daggers I’ve thrust into its core.  I look in the mirror, and my mind is flooded with praise and warm accolades of my body.  My eyes have started to sparkle, and my smile doesn’t fade quite as much as it used to.  Through TRUTH, I have unlocked my creativity in ways I never thought were possible.  I pick myself up when I fail, and I remind myself how smart and intelligent I am.  I encourage my spirit to fall deeper in love with TRUTH.  I am becoming quick to forgive myself and to allow grace to flood my heart and mind.  I catch glimpses of the greatness of me, and it causes my face to glow.  I’m not afraid to cast the reflection of TRUTH in a thousand directions because I know that I am the most beautiful carrier of Him that I could ever hope to be.  I’m beginning to look like Him, and as a result…I’ve gained a new friend.

Shifting Paradigms,

– The Lily

Proverbs 17:17a

“A friend loves at all times.”

 

About Marriage

Finding the Right Pieces

by iamthelilyLeave a Comment on Finding the Right Pieces
Finding the Right Pieces

You can’t always control the thoughts that come through your head, and I used to think that many of the thoughts that came through my head meant that I was defined by them; however, what I have come to realize is that it isn’t true.   Yesterday, was a day of putting back together puzzle pieces that I had knocked to the floor two days ago.  However, yesterday as I was putting back the pieces, I managed to grab a few pieces that looked like they fit, but in reality didn’t fit at all…

Even though I made a conscious choice yesterday to choose to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, fear still tried to slip in and get me off track.  Even this morning, it reared its ugly head attempting to get me to hold onto offenses in order to self-protect, to swallow the poison it wanted to attach to genuine acts of love from those I love, and to get lost in its destructive nature.  It almost felt like fear was sitting right next to me handing me puzzle pieces that looked exactly like the real ones, but when I tried to make them fit it didn’t work.  Not to mention, when I stepped back from the puzzle, they looked counterfeit.

The good news is that fear did not win.  And just because I had those involuntary thoughts (that had I chosen to believe them would have not only negatively impacted me but also those I love), doesn’t mean that I am still a slave to fear!  It’s just not who I am.  I am someone who believes the best in all circumstances, even when it’s hard.

This morning when I woke up and fear started attempting to get me to align with its lies, I went into our room and shared my thoughts with my husband.  And, I was blown away by the grace he gave me as I voiced some of the lies that were trying to creep into my brain.  One of fear’s goals is to not only rob you of everything you are and the relationships you have, but it also wants to ISOLATE you to where you feel completely alone and like you can trust no one.  It puts you in a place where you begin to question the motives of everyone you meet because it tells you that in order to be safe, you have to protect yourself.  And, that is just not true.

As soon as I had voiced the fears that were trying to influence me, instead of being offended or trying to self-protect like most of us tend to do (especially with the ones closest to us), my husband laid down his opportunity to pick up offense and cared with and for me.  He spoke truth and peace over me, and as he prayed for me all of those fears vanished.  It was like a heavy fog of confusion lifted, and I could see clearly again.  My husband’s love for me is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.  He has taught me what it looks like to be loved unconditionally.  He has shown me what it means to truly love and fight for the ones you love.  He never gives up even when it is hard.  He has given me grace over and over again.  He doesn’t hold things against me or shut me out because he walks in the confidence of who he was created to be.  He willing lays down his own shields of self-protection and instead takes up his shield of faith because he knows Truth intimately, and he is not afraid.  He is teaching me how to love and give grace abundantly, and it is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

Today, as I finish out my day I have hope because the involuntary thoughts that come to me are seeds waiting to be planted.  They are not part of who I am, but I get to choose what I am going to do with them.  I have the power to plant and water them or to reject them, but regardless they do not define who I am.  And should fear attempt to knock on my door again today, I will thank God for what He has saved me from, and I will plant a seed of faith in its place because I am becoming the woman I was made to be.  And, I will not stop on this journey.  I will not give up because if I don’t quit…I win.

Planting Seeds and Making Things Right,

– The Lily

Romans 12:2

“And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].”