Dear Friend,
Thank you…from the bottom of my heart. The other day we went swimming, and you started giggling because the baby boy inside of you started dancing when you walked into the pool. I smiled because I love knowing that there is a life growing inside of you. I smiled because I appreciate how great of a mom you will be to your baby. And, I smiled because I can’t wait to one day feel that too. But, then you did something I didn’t expect. You grabbed my hand and placed it on your belly, and I got to feel your baby boy move his tiny foot or elbow. And, I was overwhelmed.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing that with me. The last 6.5 years of trying to conceive and losing three babies has been one of the most up and down roller coasters I have ever experienced. There was a season of several years where I wanted to hold onto my pain and hide. I would hide from baby showers, pregnancy announcements, new-born visits, and more. I allowed pain to go so deep that I could barely hold it together when I was asked by friends when we were planning on trying to have children.
I used to look at babies from a distance…longing to hold them…but not wanting to appear desperate and not wanting to break down. I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts of jealousy that plagued my heart and mind. I didn’t know what to do with the disappointment and the fear of disappointment. I didn’t know what to do with the void that I felt was growing deeper in my heart. I didn’t know how tightly I could hold onto hope or for how long. I didn’t know what to do with the lies that plagued my brain regarding the very essence of my womanhood. I didn’t know what to do with feeling like I was the most unloved, forgotten, lonely, and unwanted woman on the planet. I didn’t know how to celebrate others. I didn’t know how to fix anything.
I remember trying to justify the entire situation by thinking that I could choose gratitude and help other women who were in the same boat. Maybe if I was good enough, kind enough and loved well enough then just maybe I would be remembered. Perhaps if I shared enough hope with enough people, then God would look down from Heaven, smile, and bless me with the gift of a child. But, that’s not how it works.
Hope is not gifted or granted to those who perform well. Hope is not bestowed upon those who gravel and destroy their value by trying to get everything perfect. Hope is not a prize to be won. Hope is not earned or deserved. Hope is not given to people who only have “the right hearts” or the sincerest of motives. Hope just comes when it’s time. It is always waiting nearby. It stands on the edge waiting to see if you will notice it. While you are spending your time bathing in the filth of self-pity, anger, and bitterness…hope is ready and waiting to clean you off and clothe you in beauty. Hope is waiting to grace your lips with a smile, to fill your eyes with light, and to overwhelm your very spirit with joy. It is waiting to celebrate YOU.
How do you walk in this hope? You let it take you by surprise. You can’t plan it. There is no formula. You might catch the wave and fall off again, but that’s okay. It’s not going to leave you. There will always be a spot for you inside of Hope. There is a party hat with your name on it, a thousand candles for your dreams to ride upon, and a never-ending celebration waiting for you. And, the best part of all is that Hope is contagious. It’s even more infectious than a yawn. It will spread like wildfire, and you will be released to celebrate with all of the others who choose to receive it.
So, thank you my beautiful friend for surprising me once again with Hope and for allowing me to dream again. And, thank you sweet baby boy growing inside of my beautiful friend. You are a carrier of the power of Hope. I can’t wait to watch you grow into a man of greatness who will set people free and restore in them the audacity to hope and the freedom to dream again because the truth is that you’ve inspired me to sing again. And one day soon, I’ll kiss those dreams I’ve dreamed, I’ll cradle Hope in my arms, and this part of my song will be complete.
Receiving Gifts I Haven’t Earned,
The Lily
I AM THE LILY 